From NO phone calls to NO phone!

Tuesday October 2, 2007 (writing on Saturday 6 looking back from memory)

Well Dr. Agulnik never returned the call Yesterday. It happens!


What else, Still feeling rotten! Nauseous all the time 24/7.

I try not to stress at all. There is nothing to stress about! Everything is in God's hands and he will take care of it all. Roaming surgery schedules, Dr. visits, opinions and plans and even how I feel about it!

Sometimes for a few moments thoughts start crossing my mind like that I need to read more about it and research it (this would be compulsively, not in a healthy way, almost like in desperation!) Then I will feel like I am not in control of it and it begins to scare me a little because I don't have any say so or control over my life right now. As we all know, this is not a fun place to spend your time, emotionally speaking! Then I tell myself NO! NO! NO! You are not going to do this at ALL! Not even for one second! God is in charge, not you, so get over it! He can do a much better job of it than you can! Then the thoughts, insecurities and fears melt away...I never have spent much time here at all ever since the beginning. It is just recent that these feelings have even came to exist. I know that it is because things aren't progressing as quickly as I had hoped for. I do know, however, that everything will happen when it is suppose to! In God's time. If I were to jump into this with guns blazing that somehow I just know I could mess it all up!

As I see it he is much more qualified to deal with it then I am and here are the reasons why:

1. He gave me life, he can obviously do with it whatever he wishes!
2. He wants what is best for me, more so than any human being could even begin to comprehend!
3. He is my Father and fathers take care of their children and would never steer them wrong.
4. He knows how things will go and has already decided
5. He will always be with me no matter what and will never leave my side!
6. He has been through cancer before, more times than I can even count! Which makes him the Ultimate Expert!
7. I don't have to go through it alone ever! He will carry me through it and has been since before I even found out this cancer existed inside of me!

There are tons more reasons here but I think this gives the main gist of how I feel!

The only time I even begin to fall apart even the slightest is when I think about my future and my children and their future! Because I want more than anything I have ever wanted in my life, to be in it with them! I have always wished for that and prayed about it, that God would allow me a long lifetime to see my children grow up and to see them start their families and to have Grandchildren! Ever since I found out I was pregnant with Marley it has always been a fear of mine that I wouldn't live to see her grow up and it worsened after I had 3 children to think about! I don't know if it is just me or all mothers that have that fear. For the most part it seemed kind of a senseless fear, not totally irrational though. Of course a mother wants to live to raise her children and to have Grandchildren and all. The thought of it would just really tear me up from time to time though. It makes me wonder if somehow I just knew something would happen that could take it all away from me.

You know how they say sometimes people just know what their future will be way before they ever even get to it and they kind of live differently because of it, never realizing it of course, until it happens. I feel like you could say that about me if it happened that way. I always put my children first. I have spent all of my time with my children since I had them. I din't work outside of the house knowing that the time I spent with them was more important than anything else I could ever accomplish in life. I have truly cherished almost every moment and everyday that I have had with them, like really cherished. I thank God everyday I wake up and see my children just for the simple fact that I have my children in my life. The fact that i have my children has always completed me. I could have never wanted anything else more than I wanted each of them! I conciously think these things all of the time. I constantly tell my children how I feel about them and several times a day give them lots of kisses and hugs! These types of things. I don't see all mothers doing this. I do though and I even think about these things on a daily basis. This is what I am talking about! I guess maybe someday I will know and today I will just keep thanking God for everyday he gives me with my children!

* Aside 1 - Marley texted me from school from someone else's phone...because she loaned hers to a girl named Megan at school and Megan told her that the phone got taken up by some teacher, which one? The really large one she said! Now that we know that was all a lie I think every really large lady everywhere should be highly offended and outraged, I tell you, OUTRAGED! What a little sneak! I am thankful for my children that I was blessed with to raise. I will be adding Megan to my prayer list! This upset me a lot!

This is how I contact Marley in case of an emergency! She is also my first contact for my other two children as well! If something were to happen and George was with me I would need to call her and have her get her brother and sister and she would have to make arrangements for them to stay with friends or family through whatever would be going on. Also if things were to not go so well I would be able to contact her immediately to talk with her. I would want this for her and for myself if I ever thought my life was coming to an end. I am not upset with Marley, she made a simple mistake. She misjudges someones intentions and their character. Even us adults get caught of guard with that from time to time! She is still a child and she is learning all of these lessons for the first time. I know she would never let this happen again after all this! Which is how children learn, from experience. As long as she does learn the lesson she is exactly where she should be in life. Living, learning and growing. Nothing more, nothing less!


*Aside 2 - Melanie made the Middle school soccer team! Yaaay! Go Mel!!!!!